ADDICTION in the 21st Century. A point of view from a mom living it.
First, I want to preface this with the fact that I am not a medical professional or educated on this topic in any way shape or form; unless you count my hours of reading on the subject. The opinions I’m expressing are my own and based on my own personal experiences and observations.
As a child, I grew up in a loving and functional family of alcoholics, addicts and, as I’m only now realizing, a family riddled with mental health disorders. Depression and anxiety seem to be as deeply rooted as the trees in the yard. So, it should really come as no surprise that I’ve been married and divorced from alcoholics and now have a child in the tight grip of addiction.
However, for me, it was a surprise. A very big, heart wrenching, unwelcome surprise. You see, as a young adult, I began to recognize that things in my world where actually not the norm. After my second divorce, I found a really good family therapist for my children. I was already working with one myself. This cycle had to be broken and it was going to start with me. My children where not going to grow up the way that I did. The work was hard. There were a lot of tough conversations and many tears where spilled. At times, my my mother even attended sessions. Which is a really big deal for someone of her generation. Progress was being made one step at a time and I was watching my family be transformed. My children excelled in ways that I never did as a child. They where outgoing, joined in school activities and sports. While homework and the normal parenting troubles still popped up, life was pretty normal.
My ex-husband was and still is an alcoholic who suffers bouts of manic depression. I know this, at times has, and always will be difficult for my children. Fortunately, they also have an incredible step-father who for the last decade has been a steady and stable presence for them. For all of us. We have always had open and loving communication about this and any other of the troubles life sometimes throws our way.
So, when my middle child began using drugs in middle school, yes, I was surprised. At the time I thought it was just experimental. Typical of the age. We would handle it and it would pass. Initially, I tried the most obvious: tough talks and grounding. Then, more therapy. Psychologists, psychiatrists, school councilors, drug and alcohol meetings all followed. Eventually rehab. Then rehab again. My son is now 20 and we have been at this for six years.
Recently, I began attending Nar-Anon meetings via Zoom. The thing that stood out to me more than anything else was how different it is now, than it was in my youth. As a child and even a young adult, we where basically taught that addiction was a genetic disease, and could also stem from childhood trauma. We are told that you are not responsible for someone else’s addiction, but when you enter therapy one of the first things you are usually asked is what your relationship with your family is like. So, what about all of these kids who had loving families and strong relationships and still ended up hooked?
Recently, my ex said to me, “ I don’t get it. I know that divorce is hard on kids and everything, but he’s had a pretty good life. Especially in comparison to how we grew up”. That’s when it hit me. Not all of these kids are trying to run from pain and trauma. They aren’t all chasing the next ‘high’. They start out chasing ‘likes’ and collecting followers. Kids growing up today are growing up in a whole new world. Certain things are just easier. Technology has improved so many things and I’m grateful for it. We do, however, need to understand that it has also made it easier for kids to get wrong messages, be manipulated. The pull of social media is a really big deal. I started trying to look at my son, through a different lens. To remove my own hang-ups as a parent, to just see the big picture. What I realize, what I see , is someone trying hard to create an image, to weave an online story. His clothing, his hair style, even his drug of choice changes in relationship to what attracts the most attention online. Sadly, what gets you noticed is the bad, not the good. I guess that part hasn’t changed much. What has also changed is the ease and speed of it all. It’s much quicker and easier for kids to get their hands on whatever substance they think will fit the image.
It doesn’t change the fact that my son has become addicted to drugs. My perspective probably doesn’t make a difference except that this new idea for me, has in some ways lightened my emotional load. Maybe that in itself is bigger than I know.
